I was really toying with the idea of hitting a Reg Sox game while i was up here. I can almost see Fenway from the convention center, but it might as well be on the frickin moon considering I’ve been reduced to the feeble pace of ‘hobble.’ Hobbits are currently passing me on the street like I’m standing still.

So of course, it turned out to be the first no-hitter of the season.  Not that I give a crap about baseball so much, but in a classic park like Fenway, that would have been cool to see. Stupid rocks. Stupid hobbits.

I have a theory that the Texas Department of transportation has it in for Austin. I think they sit up in their offices in Dallas, making Mister Burn’s-like gestures and ponder different ways to fuck up central Texas. Usually, it’s just by not building any new roads for 30 years, or giving all the construction money to other cities so we have to Toll our highways. And don’t get me started on the debacle that is the Trans Texas Corridor.

Then there’s the condos downtown. There are highrises sprouting allover the place, with the number of cranes making it look like a mini Dubai. I generally support the concept of urban-core density but this is getting a little out of hand. One particularly ugly one is The Monarch, called thus because of the V shaped roof. Originally, I was hoping that it was a mini roof top stadium where they would host the new American Gladiator competition and the loser would get pitched off the roof (sadly no), but apparently it’s just supposed to be reminiscent of a butterfly. Right.

Well to make matters worse, these two bastions of Dallas-ite-ism (it’s not a word but you know what I mean), teamed up this weekend to unfurl a three story tall, block-wide banner, for the click-it-or ticket campaign. Now I’m know math expert, but I do know a little bit about printing, and seriously, you guys couldn’t have use some of that money to say, fix some pot holes? And as far as the building goes, what the hell would posses you to spend millions on luxury high-rise apartment, and then hang a picture of a seatbelt from a 1985 buick, the size of a football field off of it? The real estate market must be very much in the crapper.  It’s not even facing any major roads accept 5th street (lots of 80 mph collisions there). You might be able to get a glimpse of the massive eyesore from mopac as you cross the lake, but more than likely you’ll be so distracted by the ugliness, you’ll loose control of the car and go barreling through the guardrails to your doom. Hopefully you were wearing your seatbelt though.

“Sir, it appears you’re experiencing massive packet loss.”

No, actually what I’m experiencing an icy cold and itchy rage. Itchy, because through some fucked-up comedy of errors I’ve managed to contract shingles something you usually don’t get till your 65. Icy because I’m currently reclining on my couch with two bottles of fresh-from-the-freezer vodka strategically positioned on the pillows to bring some relief, until the icepacks freeze up again.

What I would like to be experiencing instead of icy-itchy rage and packet loss is the mindlessness of playing Halo on the Xbox. But no. You guys have decided to fry my internet today, the one day it would be socially acceptable for me to sit on my ass and do nothing but shoot at pixelated people.

I’m a bit suspicious that this just happened to occur the same week that I canceled my fancy cable package. I’m sure its just a coincidence, because your customer service has been so awesome in the past– like the time your technician called saying they’d arrive in 30 minutes and then showed up at my house three hours later. Or the time you double billed me because you neglected to turn off my old account after three separate notices. Yeah, you guys are winners. I’m so looking forward to the say (and this may be like the flying car, but whatever) that I can pull a high-speed network connection out of the air, and never have to pay you another damn cent.

You people have been bitching at me for years, so I finally got one. What the hell for? The food that comes out of it tastes like rubber-butt, it takes up space in my already small kitchen and it’s using terrorist-funded gamma rays to cook the food. Ok I made the last one up (series of three always seem better), but seriously, about the only thing this is good for is melting ice, and i live in Texas so there’s not a lot of demand for that kind of thing.

Call me back when we can buy jet-packs…the future clearly isn’t here yet.