Driving, Houston Style

On Friday an inspiringly epic amount of worrisome shit was occurring in my life, all seemingly at once, most which I had no direct control over. Among these, hands-down the most dangerous and grey-hair inducing was driving in Houston.

You forget how it is, if you haven’t done it in a while. But after the second city bus almost killed me and a mom with four kids in the back of her minivan took some pot-shots at me with her nine (for not going fast enough on the on ramp), I decided it was time to dust off the old skills, and get Mad Max on this thing. For those who haven’t had the pleasure, here’s a quick primer

• Turn signals are not used, and shouldn’t be, as it will be taken as a sign of weakness.
• Lane markers are nominally thought of to loose guidelines and are generally ignored. Also, never only cross one lane of traffic at high speed when you can cross seven in one go.
• All posted speed limits should be multiplied by, at minimum, two-fold.
• Corners not taken on two wheels, should not be taken.
• Don’t hesitate to use the horn, but if your wrist gets tried, hand gestures and screaming work fine.
• Getting onto a freeway with anything less than a Dukes of Hazard style launch off the onramp (preferably with accompanying music), will label you as an amateur.
• Never stop for a traffic jam, when barreling down the shoulder is an option.
• Bumping the commuter trains, while potentially harmful to your vehicle and person, is allowed and encouraged if they’re holding up traffic.

Consider yourself warned.