Time Warner

“Sir, it appears you’re experiencing massive packet loss.”

No, actually what I’m experiencing an icy cold and itchy rage. Itchy, because through some fucked-up comedy of errors I’ve managed to contract shingles something you usually don’t get till your 65. Icy because I’m currently reclining on my couch with two bottles of fresh-from-the-freezer vodka strategically positioned on the pillows to bring some relief, until the icepacks freeze up again.

What I would like to be experiencing instead of icy-itchy rage and packet loss is the mindlessness of playing Halo on the Xbox. But no. You guys have decided to fry my internet today, the one day it would be socially acceptable for me to sit on my ass and do nothing but shoot at pixelated people.

I’m a bit suspicious that this just happened to occur the same week that I canceled my fancy cable package. I’m sure its just a coincidence, because your customer service has been so awesome in the past– like the time your technician called saying they’d arrive in 30 minutes and then showed up at my house three hours later. Or the time you double billed me because you neglected to turn off my old account after three separate notices. Yeah, you guys are winners. I’m so looking forward to the say (and this may be like the flying car, but whatever) that I can pull a high-speed network connection out of the air, and never have to pay you another damn cent.