Wade vs. Tree

Somebody took exception to my descriptive naming of my recent epic-crash on a local trail. Therefore, I will now proceed with a detailed description of the aforementioned superman/pole dancer maneuver, as well as providing the highly illustrative figures a & b,thereby proving the appropriateness of my nomenclature

The way this works best (or worst depending on your point of view) is by finding a nice steep limestone drop-off with a turn and a tree. (see figure b.) Right as you approach said drop you should act like a total wuss and slow down to a crawl so that all your momentum is now directed downwards instead of forward.

As your shock bottoms-out and the bike starts to pitch you over the handle bars, you’ll want to go ahead an unclip form the bike so as not to seriously damage your ride. Damaging your self is kind of a given at this point.

As you clear the bars reach out (see figure a.) and grab the tree, to keep you from flying off into the prickly pear or impacting said tree with your head or face. Tuck in and try to spin around the tree in a kind of slick combination of a pole-dancer/baseball player sliding-into-home maneuver. Be sure to try and dodge the aforementioned cactus as you land. The final crucial step is to tuck-and-roll away from the crash site as your bike (hopefully in three or less fewer pieces) comes bouncing down the hill behind you.

Now the real fun begins as you have four miles of similar trail in front of you. The preventative measure of not being a total uber-wuss on subsequent drops is highly recommended.

Totally. Appropriate. Nomentclature.

4 replies
  1. Allison
    Allison says:

    Well, now that I see the drawings, the pole dancer reference is completely justified.

  2. alan
    alan says:

    i found the description immediately recognizable, and have dismounted in the same manner more than once myself. it hurts.

  3. Andy
    Andy says:


    I ended up dumping the first attempt at this, but in the spirit of your grandmother, I have a few nits to pick.

    First, it is "three or ‘fewer’ pieces," and where is the Umlaut on "uber-wuss?"

    And to mix some good strokes in with the critique, I hope you weren’t hurt, and I love your perspective on life.


  4. wadeferd
    wadeferd says:

    Andy, I did what I could on the language but I’ve got no button for Umlauts. I knew it was wrong when I posted it but Friday afternoon is not the time to solve the mystery of which keystroke produces which accent charachters.

    I’ll begin my E-bay search for a German Keyboard in the morning.

    Thanks for the commentary, it’s always appreciated.

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