The world, as in all those other countries besides ours, has written an open letter beseeching McCain to drop out of the race because…well…if he wins, we’re all going to have to move to the previously mentioned other countries.

“Look, this isn’t funny,” said a world representative, who spoke on condition of anonymity. “You’ve got one candidate who has a reasonably sane and comprehensive foreign policy combined with detailed knowledge of American domestic affairs, and another candidate who isn’t always sure which country he’s talking about and whose domestic policy consists of telling people to stop whining. Why are you even throwing this open to a vote? Are you people out of your minds?”

Read the rest (Via Clusterflock).

As gas approaches the same cost per gallon as Boone’s Finer Farms Strawberry Wine, it’s clear that things are not going well. Well, the hell with the politicos, I’ve figured out how to solve 90% of the countries problems - My Rage. That’s right, through a highly advanced (patent pending) piece of hardware (see fig 1a), my crack team of researchers has figured out how to transfer my anger directly into the drive-train of my Subaru.

Initial tests indicate that having people cut into my lane without signaling yielded only marginal results. However, we found that the rage-to-torque meter was pegged when they replayed George Bush’s presidential speeches on a loop. While the results are good there is a concern that listening to the president talk that much could make unwary drivers profoundly dumber. However seeing as the American public elected the guy twice, its hard to see how this could really have any large-scale negative effect (you can also get even better results by hooking Keith Olberman up to the device, but that’s logistically difficult).

Expect to see our revolutionary RoadRage(tm) hit the streets in December of 2012, just before the end of the world predicted by the Mayan calendar.

Excited that your IRS refund is landing in your bank account? Ready to go do your patriotic duty and buy some cheap plastic crap from china, and say thanks Uncle Sam?

It’s more like this: You’ve been continuously mugged and beaten and robbed blind for the past seven years straight, and as you lay there on the cold, hard economic ground, bleeding and gasping and wondering what the hell happened to your vacation time and your health care plan and your mortgage payment, your attackers scoff and leer and toss a couple of bloodstained nickels on your pulverized face and mutter, here sucker, have some bus fare, and then they cackle and stomp away with all your loot and dignity and hope, back to the White House from whence they came.

SFgate offers this missive and some other fine suggestions on what do with your check.

Germ turned me on to this one - a documentary about Austin’s struggles for smart growth, with the Barton Springs caught in the middle. Parts of this made me so damn proud to live here (the all-night city council hearing where they shut down the initial development) while others damn near had me throwing my beer at the screen (Rick ‘big-hair’ Perry speaking at the take back Texas rally). Regardless of your political leanings, take a look if you get the chance - hopefully it’ll make you think.

Watch the Trailer

Over the Instant Messenger….

Germ:
elections are less about how good a candidate is
and more about how bad the other candidate is

1:22
i’m normal germ, nothing special…

1:23
but wade, he [does unfortunate things to] unicorns in the ass while slaughtering seals with aborted fetuses.
vote for me.

1:24
my name is germ, and i approved this message…

This morning I woke up to see that my state had inexplicably selected Hillary Clinton as their choice for the democratic nominee. As the sun went down i was pushing my bike up a 700ft tall hill due to another round of flat tires. Some nice symmetry there.

The bike i can deal with, the politics, I dunno.

I’m not sure whether to be pissed, sad or just completely disheartened by the whole debacle. The only solace I can take from the whole thing is that, barring a national emergency like the inevitable impending zombie war, there’s at least a 75% chance that George Bush will not be president next year. I guess that’s something.

Here’s the thing – I’m a mildly progressive Democrat in a largely republican state. And make no mistake, I love this state. On the whole, I respect the opinions of the Republicans I know even if i do disagree with them. Maybe some times I call them fascist bastards, and maybe sometimes they call me a liberal hippy, but its all in the spirit of spirited debate. That’s what I thought this contest started as, a debate. An intellectual discourse on the very trying issues that face this country. That is until one candidate lost 11 primaries in a row. Then it was the attack ads, the planted media stories about diplomatic incompetence and rumors of being sworn into congress on the Koran (by the way anyone who gives a flying crap about that please see the Bill of Rights, bullet one). This from the woman who still won’t release her tax returns (come on internets, why have we dug that up yet..?). The salient point is, it’s stopped being a debate and started being an American-style election again. How sad.

The sad part, the really horrifyingly depressing part, is to see 50% of the voting populace of my state buy it. I feel like as a whole, as a state, we’re smarter than this, that we should know to see through the bullshit (We’re Texans we invented the stuff). We’ve had a Bush or a Clinton in charge for the last twenty years, or rather, two-thirds of my short life–have things really got better? Has your corporate-sponsored-federal government done anything for you lately besides murder and maim a lot of promising young men in far-off land for no good reason? Has the media (who despite her claims to the contrary is giving one candidate a pretty easy time of it) done anything for other than spoon-feed you hype to feed a 24-hours news cycle ? No. Corporate media (now with touch-screen-on-demand-graph goodness!) keeps us happy by reporting on Britney and keeping any eye who’s going to pull the best ratings six months down the line (imagine the hype when they catch slick-willy pulling another Moncia…moreover imagine the advertising revenues). And the meta-corporate-hegemony that runs the country will always back the known quantity, especially if its good for the bottom line. While we fret over Brit, they’ll be working to swing the election on asinine issues like abortion and gay-marriage, while the middle and lower classes are hemorrhaging from $3 gas, 80% increases in food costs and an uncertain future of failing banks and oil wars.

We buy it, again and again. Even the great people in this state I’m normally so proud of.

Related Depressing Stuff
Getting Screwed by Canada
Why McCain was Actually the Big Winner
Clinton wins bragging rights, Obama wins in delegates

This morning I was confronted with a myriad of transit problems. First, they (the city or the terrorists, I can’t figure out which) are doing some nebulous type of construction at Westlynn where I use the light to left-turn onto the main drag, to get to the highway, to get to the work. Thus, I have to use the intersection by my house (sans light), which is challenging. Today, executing the bonsai-left-turn  was like trying to merge into an in-progress nascar race, so I threw it in reverse and hit the back streets.

Opps. Turns out that one of the churches on the small-roads is a polling station and traffic was, in a word, fuckered. Normally this would enrage the pre-coffee-morning-wade, but the fact that a polling station for a primary is causing traffic jams at 7:30 is actually kind of cool.

Later, in line for coffee (which keeping with theme of the morning was packed), It occurred to me that Starbucks could be using their corporate-mega structure for good if they could go out and buy a company like diebold and incorporate voting into the order process – walk in to touch screen: Venti drip with some ice and Obama for president. The republicans could have theirs at McDonald’s so they don’t have to get out of their cars. Increase voter turn-out while in increasing profits. That’s so American, it’s like John Wayne just served you a slice of red-white-and-blue apple pie.  And Starbucks always offers me a paper receipt, which is more than you can say for most electronic polling stations.

For the first time since Spam was considered a viable and healthy food-stuff, voting in a Texas primary actually means something.

For a take on all the candidates running, the League of Women Voters publishes the most comprehensive, bi-partisan guide, so you can make your own choices, (although it’s a bit of a read). For those with a little less time on their hands, the Austin Chronicle also has a more-than-adequate endorsement section that generally aligns with the mildly liberal types (although not much to say on the Republican side of things). Early voting can be done at any of these locations, anytime before Friday.

Finally, to quote the Chronicle, regardless of who you vote for…

….our strongest endorsement is that you all take seriously your right and responsibility to vote.

Look, someone else trying to get elected on a technicality that goes against the popular vote.

Now who does that remind us of?

Clinton — who initially joined other Democrats in opposing Michigan and Florida’s decisions to go ahead with early primaries — now wants the votes of those primaries counted. The Obama camp thinks that idea is unfair, since candidates were not allowed to campaign in those states, and Clinton alone kept her name on the Michigan ballot, meaning Obama did not have a chance at getting even provisional delegates. (more)

I wonder how you go about requesting that the U.N. monitor your elections for fairness and transparency. Is there like an online form somewhere?

In an unprecedented move of NOT nominating someone with high negatives, Democrats in Iowa have pushed Obama to the front of the the ongoing political menage a trois. If Middle-America can elect a black man with a muslim name, we may yet get out of this crazy hand basket we’ve been riding in for the past eight years. And the ‘change’ message is nice and all, but lets face it, that sans-serif typeface they’re using is what’s really driving people to the polls (or maybe that’s just me).

Oh yeah, and that other party went for another white guy who likes to shoot at people. Nice trend guys.