One of the reasons I love Texas – our skies are the most intresting mesh of colors and cloud shapes.

Another stunning example of why U-haul is possibly the single worst customer service entity on the planet. Sunday Morning 9 a.m. I stroll in right as the U-haul Store opens, to pickup a trailer for my sister’s departure from our fine metropolis:

Me: Hi.

Lady at counter: …(stares)

Me: I have a Question …?

Lady: … (Continues to stare, bangs on keyboard in simian fashion)

Me: Uh yeah, I have a reservation for pickup at 9, and I’m having a little trouble with my lighting rig on the back of our truck, do you guys sell new light harnesses ?

Lady: I don’t do pickups till 11.

Me: No, see I have reservation…the guy I talked to on Wednesday, said I could pickup at 9. I wouldn’t be awake right otherwise …

Lady: Well I don’t do pickups till 11. Look at all this stuff I have to do (gesturing at stack of fours or five keys on the counter). I couldn’t possibly get you a trailer.

Me: Uhm. (pre-coffee brain unable to generate witty retort) .

Lady: You’ll just have to come back later…

Me: so…but the guy on Wednesday..

Lady: We have new people working for us.

Me: So…

Lady: Sorry. New people.

Oh. Right. I feel better. The fact that they have ‘new people’ magically restored the two hours of sleep I would like to be experiencing right now, thanks U-haul. You’re the best.

In my mid-summer doldrums, I’m not feeling to prolific. The solution: post stuff that other people write. This is a bit from the Cryptonomicon, a marvelous book by Neal Stephenson, regarding business plans/mission statements, a type of document that I belive will be single handedly responsible for downfall of our society.

MISSION: At [name of company] it is our conviction that [to do the stuff we want to do] and to increase shareholder value are not merely complementary activities — they are inextricably linked.

PURPOSE: To increase shareholder value by [doing stuff]

EXTREMELY SERIOUS WARNING (printed on a separate page, in red letters on a yellow background): Unless you are as smart as Johann Karl Friedrich Gauss, tough as General Wilham Tecumseh Sherman, rich as the Queen of England, emotionally resilient as a Red Sox fan, and as generally able to take care of yourself as the average nuclear missile submarine commander, you should never have been allowed near this document. Please dispose of it as you would any piece of high-level radioactive waste and then arrange with a qualified surgeon to amputate your arms at the elbows and gouge your eyes from their sockets. This warning is necessary because once, a hundred years ago, a little old lady in Kentucky put a hundred dollars into a dry goods company which went belly-up and only returned her ninety-nine dollars. Ever since then the government has been on our asses. If you ignore this warning, read on at your peril—you are dead certain to lose everything you’ve got and live out your final decades beating back waves of termites in a Mississippi Delta leper colony.
Still reading? Great. Now that we’ve scared off the lightweights, let’s get down to business.

EXECUTIVE SUMMARY: We will raise [some money], then [do some stuff] and increase shareholder value. Want details? Read on.

INTRODUCTION: [This trend], which everyone knows about, and [that trend], which is so incredibly arcane that you probably didn’t know about it until just now, and [this other trend over here] which might seem, at first blush, to be completely unrelated, when all taken together, lead us to the (proprietary, secret, heavily patented, trademarked, and NDAed) insight that we could increase shareholder value by [doing stuff].We will need $ [a large number] and after [not too long] we will be able to realize an increase in value to $ [an even larger number], unless [hell freezes over in midsummer].

DETAILS:

Phase 1: After taking vows of celibacy and abstinence and forgoing all of our material possessions for homespun robes, we (viz. appended resumes) will move into a modest complex of scavenged refrigerator boxes in the central Gobi Desert, where real estate is so cheap that we are actually being paid to occupy it, thereby enhancing shareholder value even before we have actually done anything. On a daily ration consisting of a handful of uncooked rice and a ladleful of water, we will [begin to do stuff].

Phase 2, 3, 4,.. ., n – l: We will [do more stuff, steadily enhancing shareholder value in the process] unless [the earth is struck by an asteroid a thousand miles in diameter, in which case certain assumptions will have to be readjusted; refer to Spreadsheets 397-413].

Phase n: Before the ink on our Nobel Prize certificates is dry, we will confiscate the property of our competitors, including anyone foolish enough to have invested in their pathetic companies. We will sell all of these people into slavery. All proceeds will be redistributed among our shareholders, who will hardly notice, since Spreadsheet 265 demonstrates that, by this time, the company will be larger than the British Empire at its zenith.

SPREADSHEETS: [Pages and pages of numbers in tiny print, conveniently summarized by graphs that all seem to be exponential curves screaming heavenward, albeit with enough pseudo-random noise in them to lend plausibility].

RESUMES: Just recall the opening reel of The Magnificent Seven and you won’t have to bother with this part; you should crawl to us on hands and knees and beg us for the privilege of paying our salaries.

About sums up every misson statement, executive summary, goal sheet and business plan I’ve ever read.

Tuesday is about the worst day you could have picked to have a national holiday. Seriously, who let this happen? We have proposed constitutional amendments against gay marriage and flag burning, but nothing prohibiting our independence day from landing on the second day of the workweek?

I have a long standing theory about this: Monday there’s enough of the weekend left to talk about, Wednesday you’re half-way done, Thursday there’s a glimmer of fun to come (as well as happy hours becoming appropriate again) and Friday there’s palpable hope of sleeping late, Coffee on the couch and bike rides in the hill country. Tuesday is the breakfast taco with too much egg, the $50 bottle of wine with a rotten cork. It’s the party crasher of days of the week.

History can back me up here, (or at least the Greeks can) :

In the Greek world, Tuesday (the day of the week of the Fall of Constantinople) is considered an unlucky day. The same is true in the Spanish-speaking world, where a proverb runs En martes, ni te cases ni te embarques (On Tuesday, neither get married nor begin a journey). (Wikipedia)

Seriously, it’s like having the 4th today is like having another Sunday night stuck in the middle of your work week. That’s no fun. Surely there’s someone we can invade to get this corrected.

Last night after a bit of a hectic evening that involved being locked out of the house and an epic superman/pole dancer bike wreck on the trails at Emma Long, we headed downtown to see a dance/performance art show at the Intel shell. For those that aren’t acquainted, this is Austin’s greatest monument to the foolishness of the dot com boom, five stories of unfinished concrete in the middle of down town that Intel left to rot when the boom went bust.

Now for three weeks this summer it’s a stage, and a very cool one at that. I’m not usually one for dance shows, but this had people zipping an rappelling between floors, the cool cirque de sole fabric twisting dancing thing, and a woman floating from the roof down four stories to the very-hard concrete slab. A very very unique staging. The building is scheduled to be demolished later this summer to make room for the new Federal Court house (a place most of us will hope we never end up going to), so this makes one helluva send off.